THE JACK HAMMER.

i recently took part in the jack bauer/ chuckk norris debate. i want everyone to know what my stand is in this monumental discussion. thanks.
hehehehe.

-jack bauer chucked norris
-kim bauer uses chuck norris as a tampon
-jack bauer was never addicted to heroine. heroine was addicted to jack bauer
-as a child, jack bauer never wet his bed. the bed wet itself out of fear
-jack bauer sleeps with the night light. the dark is afraid of jack bauer!
-Ordinary people have panic attacks. Chuck Norris has Jack Bauer's attacks!
-If everyone listened to Jack Bauer, the show would be called 12.
-Jack Bauer once lost reception on his cell phone. 24 hours later AT&T announced that it would have more bars in more places.
-There has not been a terrorist attack in the United States since Jack Bauer first appeared on television.
-Terrorists dread the day in October that Daylight Savings Time ends. Jack Bauer gets 25 hours in which to kill them.
-Jack Bauer sleeps with a night light because the dark is afraid of Jack Bauer
-Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
-Jack Bauer refused a syringe at a blood bank. Instead, he asked for a gun and a bucket
-Kiefer Sutherland drinks to forget all the terrible things Jack Bauer has done.
-Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
-Jack Bauer doesn't need to search the internet, he just stares a computer down until it gives him the information he needs.
-Jack Bauer made a brief cameo in the film "Stand By Me" as the local bully. His character got so pissed off when the boys didn't let him take the dead body that seven years later, he killed River Phoenix. Jack Bauer never forgets.
-jack bauer once shot himself ten times, just to prove that 50 cent is a bitch
-God had to give Jack Bauer immunity on the sixth commandment "Thou shalt not kill". If he hadn't, Jack would've considered God to be a terrorist and God knows what happens to terrorists.
-Harry Houdini is the world's second greatest escape artist. The First is Jack Bauer. I never saw Houdini bite a guy's neck in order to escape.
-Kryptonite is not really from Krypton. It is made from Jack Bauer's crap, that is why it can kill Superman.
-Jack Bauer doesn't need a translator, torture sounds the same in every language.
-Don't even ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...
-Jack Bauer does not run out of ammunition. He simply lets everyone else have their moment to shine.
-Vin Diesel can be rearranged to say "I end lives." Jack Bauer can be rearranged to say "Jack Bauer," which means the same thing.
-If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat she would move to the back
Fuck the kings horses and fuck the kings men. Jack can put Humpty back together again.
-there is no such thing as a lesbian. just people who have not met jack bauer.
-If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
-Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
-The war in Iraq will end when Jack Bauer vacations there.
-Jack Bauer killed a terrorist after torturing him for information. After getting the information, he brought him back to life and tortured him to death again because the terrorist deserved it.
-Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
-Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a fucking terrorist.
-9/11 only happened because Jack Bauer was on vacation. He'll never go on vacation again.
-1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
-The only reason you're conscious right now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
-Every person in authority who has ever decided Jack Bauer is wrong and a loose cannon who needs to be arrested is dead. Coincidence? I think not.
-There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot.
-Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
-They say you can't go 3 days without water, Jack Bauer has gone five seasons.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a gun under the pillow. But he could kill you with the pillow.
-When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back.
-Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar.
-After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.
-As a boy, Jack Bauer interrogated his parents on Easter until they revealed the location and contents of each hidden egg.
-When life hands Jack Bauer Lemons, he kills Terrorists. Jack Bauer fuckin' hates lemonade.
-Jack's friend Chase once said that he loved Kim Bauer. Jack then killed a bunch of terrorists to try and calm down. After running out of terrorists, Jack told Chase he had no other choice and chopped off his arm with a fire axe.
-The Dinosaurs laughed at Jack ...
-Nostradamus once predicted in his journal: "In the century 21st, the one known as Jacques will be the savior of the world... five seasons in a row." Moments later, Jack Bauer knocked down the door, shot Nostradamus in the kneecaps, and yelled "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!"
-Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
-jack bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun

tis the season...

christmas is here!!!

the holiday has been amazing so far. i've got to meet some amazing people. nairobi is... awesome!
went to watch a play during the weekend. 10 angry women, written by churchill. funny stuffs. after that, went for the kinanda festival where freshly ground performed. i also finally got to hear our local talent. sauti sol, dela, kanji mbugua, aaron rimbui and carol atemi.

WE WERE RAINED ON!!!

we stood for hours in the rain. three or four people under one umbrella. the white people went all crazy and started dancing in the rain. in was so exciting. you'd have mistaken it for a wet t-shirt contest. but the performances were amazing. although, my backstage connect was telling me that freshly ground was acting up and didn't want to perform, they did it anyway! they sounded EXACTLY like the album. we stood in the mud and waved our umbrellas in the rain. luckily we haven't been sick this week. *relief*

I LOVE NAIROBI AND IT'S ARTSY PEOPLE AND AMAZING TALENT AND AWESOME CROWDS!

happy holidays everyone!

cyber foot print/ in other news

i was just thinking about the number of social networks i've joined over the years.
some friends of my friends have passed away recently and people are still living "i miss you's" and messages of condolence on their walls. i have this friend who lost his best friend, and still writes on his page, you know, to update him on what's going on in his life. i guess he didn't have the heart to close down his account.

most of us aren't musicians with albums or authors with best selling books to be remembered by when we pass. but thanks to technology, we have "cyber footprints" that we will leave behind.
some of the social networks i've joined over the years are...
pieces of me i'll leave behind...











i can't end the post on such a somber note.

last night i went for open mic at pots and palms, by riverside drive. it was pretty cool.y mom was my date. there were some major glitches though. the stage was next to the bar so we really had to strain to hear the performances, the sound was terrible, and they could have picked a better venue. nevertheless, talent is talent. kenya's got talent!!!

AnnieSoul (annie oduor) also performed. her music is really... something else. i'm glad more kenyans are drifting away from the kapuka/genge type of music. the market was becoming saturated with that. i actually bought her album at the end of the show. my best tracks so far are 'release me' and 'tabasamu'. look for the album peeps. 'mwanamuziki' by annieSoul.

peace and love

sexy men = brain freeze

i'm watching world's sexiest men on E!. HOTDAMN!!! there are some edible men out there. my mom was trying to get my attention for the past 15 seconds. i had to catch myself to avoid getting drool on my laptop. i'm actually trying to google those pics now.
i can't believe she just changed the channel to watch the amazing race! that's cruel and unusual punishment!!!
i love how they had men from every country/ continent. there was even one sexy oriental who is half japanese, half chinese... like some sweet and sour sushi type meal. yummy!

also, i saw alot of mixed race (half black, half white) kids this weekend. they are so pretty! i'm not racist or anything, i just couldn't help but think... i want me one of those! sijui i put out one of those lonely heart ads out...

f, 21, nairobi, kenya, looking for white male between the ages of 22-25 for
super sexy funtimes. enjoys music, poetry, people watching and an occasional
spanking. also, likes cold oceans. nothing against the coffee/ chocolate
brothers, i'm just craving some vanilla! 071*******

just to get a white man to father me a curly haired bronze baby :)
hahahahahahahaha!

she just changed the channel back. needless to say Djimon Honsou was number 5. i love me some dark chocolate! i know that contradicts my lonely hearts ad but still! they are now on sexiest man in the world number four. the irish dude, damn, i missed his name. there was i time i wanted to go to Europe and search for a black irish man. yeah, i black, irish. i just wanted the accent, wrapped in chocolate! number 3 is a guy from the Phillipines. Ding Dong Dantez. his name is a s funny as he is sexy! number 2 is some dude called Micheal from Argentina.

OMG!!! they have lied! me and my mom are crying foul! Beckham* the sexiest man in the world? no way! i mean, he is pleasant to look at. he's always changing his hair and the underwear Ads he did for Armani has got me hoping that human cloning is perfected real soon, but nah, he's not the sexiest man alive.some of the men they've shown from New Zealand, Sweden, Greece, basically all over the world, there's no way Beckham* takes the cup.

i have genuinely forgotten what i intended this post to be about.

lemmi get back to ya'll.

*didi i spell his name right?

kenya kipenzi changu

i got home last night at around 7.20 pm. my mom and cuz came to get me from the airport. this was the most eventful flight ever!
starting with the gin induced coma i got my self into the night before... so much for detox! then i found out three of my friends will be on the same flight. (tenen tenen!)

the O R TAMBO airport in johanessburg is always undergoing construction so they changed all the boarding gates, check in points and terminals. and that airport is huge! we walked around forever before getting unlost. we settled at newscafe (that would be a bar) for two or three cold ones. we noticed people had already started boarding so we made our way to the gate. turns out the plane was close to leaving without us coz me and my friends were craving a ciggy and we were looking for a place to smoke!!!

the flight = 5 or 6 shots of vodka.

we got to kenya okay. my mom took me and my cousin out to dinner at carnivore. i love meat! plus of course you can't be at carni and not have dawa ( double vodka, lemon and honey with ice) loved it!!! had about three of those and a glass of red wine... (it's good for digestion) hehehehehe


woke uo this morning with a stomach bug from hell!!! (that's me trying not to be vulgar) regardless, i am going out tonight and i will have a super fun thyme!!!

it's good to be back people!
there's no place like home!

fw: fw: WINE = HEALTH

i love a glass of wine as much as teh next guy but now i can justify my drinking habits.
a friend just forwarded me this email...

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't.





As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

true story! you've got to believe them! they're scientists!
cheers!

ME ROVE YOU RONG TIME!!!

Yesterday, (Saturday) South Africa played a friendly soccer match against Japan at the new bay stadium in Port Elizabeth. The stadium's actually one of the few that was built for the world cup so everyone was really stoked to go. One of my friends got us free tickets and everything. He is organizing a concert and actually got 100 tickets to the match for his friends.

IT WAS SO AWESOME!

I was writting an exam in the morning, i was sleep deprived because i was up studying the night before and i almost missed the whole thing because after my paper i just got home and passed out.

We all got really good seats. Right next to where some of the Japanese team were stretching. It was amazing! That was the first live soccer match i had ever attended. The energy in the stadium! It was packed to capacity! Although we had all said we would be supporting Japan, (yeah, we're haters) when the SA anthem played we couldn't help singing the few lines we know! Their anthem is in four languages! All these south africans flooded the place with their colourful vuvuzelaz* some wearing wigs that had the colours on the flag. Many of them were in yellow Bafana Bafana (that's the national team) t-shirts jumping up and down, taking pictures, just showing love.
Ooh, also, when the Japan team was close, me and my friends were all "HARRO SEXY ASIAN MEN! WE ROVE YOU RONG TIME!!! KONICHIWA!!! BANZAI!!!" we were just shouting any Asian words we could think of. It was hilarious.

Although i was tired as hell, and the score came out 0 - 0, we had a super phun thyme! Also, we all got free vuvuzelas* ghise things are harder to blow than they look. My lips and cheeks were hurting, but i finally learnt how to blow it AFTER the match. Go figure!!!

The stadium was built really well, enough rest rooms, they were clean too, the bleachers had actuall seats, they were two big screens on either side to show the replays, there were drinks and refreshment stands... in the stadium building but not by the pitch. They had that artificial grass thing going on. It was really international standards. Made me feel bad about Kenya for a second because Nyayo Stadium and Kasarani came into mind. Hopefully we'll get there.

I'll upload the pictures as soon as i get to a computer but that was an event to remember. I'm not a soccer fan but the atmosphere and the adrenaline was hectic!!! The six or seven beers helped too!!!

Me rove you rong time!!!
Peace.

you don't have to be a cow...

2gay Kenyans get married in the UK.
My mom forwarded me an email with the pictures and her only comment was "Ngai, ni wa kikuyu!" *God, they are kikuyus.
My mom is the most liberal parent i have ever met. I know she's got nothing against gay people. She's met my gay friends both in Kenya and in SA. Funtimes.

As long as I'M not gay. (that's always the line right?)

I've been reading on the net about how it's been all over the news, and the matter wasn't handled well. Everyone was/is talking about it.
Although, i digress, i heard the blackout that happened yesterday was a temporary distraction.
I'm straight, i've had my share of girl on girl action, you know, typical college girl stuff. But i'm into men. i've got nothing against gay folk. and i don't mean nothing against like 'they should only do whatever behind closed doors', or 'they should stop airing shows like will and grace or the l-word.' or 'children shouldn't be exposed to that kind of behaviour' that's a load of bull. I'm no expert but i know you can't catch it! It's not a cold! Shit... The only issue i'd have is if they were excessively PDAin (Public Display of Affection) which by the way is my stand for straight couples as well... So yeah. So don't say i don't get it. they can makeout a little, hold hands but even seeing a guy and a girl, guy's tongue down girl's throat, guy's hand down girl's pants or in girl's blouse... Get a room! :)
Now replace "girl" with "guy" dudes, get a room still! No bif...

Homophobia is soooo 1990's!

I was reading this guy's facebook status, he was saying how the government won't accept it! And he said "this is Kenya! They shouldn't even be thinking about such things!"
That really annoyed me... ignorant mother***

So anywho, i read this statement somewhere, it was either another blog or some website

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A COW TO FIGHT AGAINST ANIMAL CRUELTY.

So here is a very heterosexual female not understanding why the rest of the population can't accept gay folk. They're not hurting anyone, just being them. I'm a sucker for love. How some gay guys talk about their relationships... it's so sweet, they still get whipped the way straight people do. Love is love. just be thankful to exist in the same space and time as the person you've fallen inlove with. (i think Maya Angelou said that in some movie)

Then how people were calling it UNNATURAL and UNAFRICAN???

Un-African? Really? I'm just happy where i study, the gay guys are allowed to be open. The cool cute gay guys actually their own clique at varsity. infact, the last MR.(name of uni) was gay... and i'm in SA so they shouldn't go around calling it UNAFRICAN.

UN-CHRISTIAN...

There's other people using religion as an aspect.
"it's written in the bible"
"God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve"
I'm sure the gay guys who are reading this must be rolling their eyes. They must have heard that "Adam and Steve" line a thousand times!
what i don't get is how the same people calling it un-cristian and reaching for the Holy Water, are the people we party with, who are doing the whole drinking, smoking, casual sex, stealing, lieing and coveting thing. So fine, of you're gonna use religion as a crutch, let's say for a moment that being gay is a "sin" you should get of your high horse coz there's a bunch of other commandments that you are breaking as well...
Religion is currently not a strong point of mine.

Then i saw on twitter and also on blogger that the govt. Is gonna spend ksh.40mil to count the gay folk. I still don't know what my take on that is... It's awesome that they are starting to acknowledge that gay people are there instead of sweeping it under the rag like they were some kind of problem... I'd like to know what the gays think about this whole census thing. And will they be willing to come out and be counted, or is the government planning to conduct it annonymously? And are they doing the census with changing the constitution in mind? It's illegal to be gay in Kenya right?
Lemmi know what you guys think.

All i know is that i went to this gay party once, and IT WAS AWESOME! finger food and wine glasses and they had decorated it really well. Fun times! Those guys could dance, poppin and droppin and everything. (i'm not trying to stereotype that all gay men can dance, i'm just saying!) I must have been about seventeen at the time. We just had a "gay old time" (pun intended!)

Peace and love people.

copy-paste heavy! FUNNY but TRUE stuff.

-more often than not, when someone is telling a story, all i can think about is that i can't wait for them to finish so that i can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me

-nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument where you realise that you are wrong.

-have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you were supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy for randomly switching directions on the sidewalk

-i totally take back all those times i didn't want to nap when i was younger.

-do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it woudln't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem? Every kid did that. But how did we know how to fix the problem? there was no internet message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft!

-there is A GREAT NEED for a sarcasm font.

-sometimes i'll watch a movie that i watched when i was younger and suddenly realize i had no idea what the hell was going on when i first saw it

-i would rather carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take two trips to bring my groceries in

-LOL has gone from meaning "laugh out loud" to "i have nothing else to say"

-i have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger

-how many times is it appropriate to say "what?" before you just nod and smile because you didn't hear a word they said?

-while driving yesterday, i saw a banana peel on the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it... Thanks Mario Kart!

-bad decisions make good stories

-whenever i'm facebook stalking someone and i find that their profile is public, i feel like a little kid on christmas morning. 546 pictures? Don't mind if i do!

-you never know when it'll strike but there is a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day

-i think the freezer deserves a light as well

-as a driver, i hate pedestrians, and a pedestrian, i hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, i always hate cyclists!

-"do not machine wash or tumble dry" means i will never wash this ever!

-i hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching t.v. There's so much pressure! 'i love this show but will they judge me if i keep it on?' 'i bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this' 'it's only a matter of time before they get up and leave the room..., will we still be friends after this???'

-i find it hard to believe that there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

blog, n. short for weblog

Source: www.urbandictionary.com

Blog
Short for weblog.
A meandering blatantly uninteresting online diary that gives the author the illusion that people are interested in their stupid pathetic life. Consists of such riveting entries such as "homework sucks" and "i slept until noon today".

Blog
A place where people bitch about their daily activities which nobody is interested in. Topics like why they argue with their boyfriend and how they end up together at last, daily anorexic activities like drinking blended organic fruits and vegetable for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Talking about cutting themselves with a razor blade and how good it felt, bitch about their shopping activities and what they got. Just another way to seek attention from people.

Blog
A recent and disturbing trend on the internet. A blog lets people easily post comments on to a webpage. While blogs have many purposes, some of which can be useful, most people seem to use blogs as a way of having an online diary. These people have such massive egos and are so narcissistic that they believe that other people would be interested in reading their pointless ramblings. Even more disturbing is the fact that many people have such boring lives that they have nothing better to do than to read these stupid online diaries. They just feed the egos of the "bloggers" and encourage them to continueposting nonsense. Hopefully "blogging" will turn out to be just a fad that passes quickly.

Tim: hey, i just set up a blog on my website
Joe: what have you written in it?
Tim: oh, just some random drivel
Joe: sounds like the typical blog
Tim: yeah, but plenty of people will read it and make me feel special
Joe: that's sad
Tim: i know

Wow... That kinda put me in my place.
I know urbandictionary.com is popular for it's cyniciam when it comes to definitions, but ouch!

I'm not trying to hate on the people who have their own blogs, or even those who read and comment on mine.

The oversharing about the hangovers and hopeless dillusions about my ex has been fun, but hopefully, i'll be able to switch it up. Write more that just diary material. I've always been into the feature writing thing. It would explain the stacks of magazines in my room and bathroom. (and nah, i don't keep them for the pictures!)
Maybe about music, psychology, put links on how Jay Z and Beyonce are taking over the world with help from the devil... Stuff like that.


Ya'll have been good people.
Mucho love!